Thought – #29

“It’s only a thought and a thought can be changed.”

- Louise Hay

When something gets you down, do you wallow in the misery? Do you let yourself feel like crud? Or do you use it as an opportunity to look for the bright side of it and grow? Both are possible outcomes and both have a place. The important thing is to learn from the incident and move ahead.

When tragedy strikes I am not suggesting you ‘poo-poo’ it off. On the contrary, you should stay in the moment and grieve, feel your emotions, process your feelings. These are all necessary. But to stop there is a problem. Take some time to examine how you can learn from this and how you may prevent it from occurring in the future.

When you turn bad into good, you will feel awesome!

Fear – the enemy of your freedom

Where the mind is without fear….

We are often warned not to push anyone into a corner because that is when they fight their best and most vicious battles. A good hunter will never force a wild animal in a situation from where it perceives no escape; the animal must feel there is still some escape route. Because it is when the animal loses hope of escape, that it will fight at its wildest and cause the worse harm.

A cornered creature, man or animal, is dangerous, even vicious. For, that is the point at which one loses all fear. You become fearless when you lose that which you value the most. Because, when that happens, the rest doesn’t really seem to matter as much. And, you also realize the futility of having lived in fear of losing something that is now beyond reach.

You understand that you could possibly have been able to enjoy the finer intricacies of your object of desire much more if you hadn’t lived in constant fear of losing it. When you lose it, you see the futility of all the anxiety, the heartburn over it. You start looking for and finding ways of living without it. and the human mind and spirit, amazingly resilient as they are, discover reasons and conviction for why you are better off iwthout that which is now lost.

And that is the point at which you start enjoying the positive aspects of fearlessness. For, when you fear nothing, nobody can manipulate you anymore. You would be your own person and not dependent on anyone for your happiness or peace of mind. Your best bouts of courage are reserved for times when you have nothing to lose.

Most manipulations in relationships occur because we hand over the weapon of our fear to be used against us to those we love most. A lover is able to manipulate his beloved’s emotions by threatening withdrawal of love and care. He will sulk, not talk or withdraw caring gestures – all the things that a loved one values. So you givein, bow to the will of the lover, and make compromises, all for fear of losing that which is cherished.

On the other hand, if the lover overplays his hand and carries on the withdrawal act beyond a point, the beloved may finally get used to the idea of rejection and taking the loss as a fate accomplish, lose all fear in the relationship.

Fear of losing leaves you impotent not just in relationships but also in everyday situations such as your work life, with friends or relatives and even with strangers. It extends beyond material things to prestige, respect, happiness, peace of mind, etc.

At work, how often we let people get away with delivering shoddy work, doing an injustice to someone or cheating us just because we fear losing our peace of mind over an altercation! we allow incompetent people to underperform for fear of creating a situation and so losing our calm.

For courage is not just required for doing battle, but also for maintaining a sense of calm, for making money for living a good life – in short for everything. the ‘fight or flight’ syndrome kicks in irrespective of the fact whether the thing we fear losing in physical, mental or a financial threat.

Those who can learn the trick of transcending this fear of loss, would find the courage to enjoy that which they love most while they still retain it. What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.

Think of worst that can possibly happen. Get used to the idea and accept it. From there on, things can only get better… and you can acquire courage even as you retain the object you feared losing, for you fear that no more. You know loss is a possibility and you are moving ahead with that in mind.

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exists anywhere except in the mind.

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear. – MAHATMA GANDHI

Anger, a new age ailment?

Terrorism may be a larger issue but even in our daily lives, it is clear that people are increasingly angry. Why is that? Anger can be caused by external or internal events. You could be angry with a specific person, such as a co-worker or supervisor. You could be furious about an event, say, a traffic jam or issues in relationships. Or your anger could be caused by worrying about and brooding on your personal problems. Traumatic memories can also trigger angry feelings.

But the sad truth is that fury and intolerance bear away a man’s good reason. It is true that intolerance is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one. In fact, intolerance is the fret, fury and frenzy of the soul. Intolerance is hard to combat because it is willing to buy revenge with a whole life. But controlling the intolerance of one angry moment may mean avoiding a lifetime’s remorse. Shakespeare was entirely accurate when he wrote in Coriolanus; “Anger’s my meat; I sup upon myself!” To be angry is to take revenge upon ourselves for the faults of others.

Anger can surface without warning in the most loving and long-standing relationships. When a childhood friend suddenly flares up over something totally innocuous, it is better to ignore the angry present and focus instead on the harmonious past. Anger makes people insensible, be it a good friend or sibling.

Anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. Anger is accompanied by physiological and biological changes. when we get angry, our heart rate goes up and the blood pressure rises, as do energy hormone levels, pumping adrenaline and noradrenaline into the system.

Is anger becoming a 21st century affliction? Some say these changing times make people workaholic and egoistic. Modern life may see many more expressions of anger than before, but could it be that we simply know about them now because the world’s information flow has multiplied to enormous levels? Or could there have been lots of unexpressed anger in earlier times?

Medically speaking, people who remain intolerant and angry most of the time are most susceptible to hypertension and related heart/brain diseases. Re-living unsuccessful or humiliating situations over and over can prove bad for one’s health. Simply remembering an incident that once made you angry can be stressful for the heart.

Often, terrible hurt owing to intolerance takes just minutes to inflict but forgiving the perpetrator requires time. Initially, we experience negative feelings such as anger, sadness and shame. then we try to make sense of what happened. Ultimately we learn to see the person who hurt us through new eyes.

So what is to be done to face angry people? the best way to feel better is the very opposite of revenge. It is saying the words, “I forgive you.” That could be the most powerful things we will ever do. Forgiving doesn’t mean giving in. It means letting go.

Once we forgive, we are no longer emotionally handcuffed to the person who hurt us. when we forgive, we reclaim our power to choose. One can express once’s anger, disappointment or intolerance with a trusted friend or counselor, giving us the strengthening experience of being heard. That is a way to let go of one’s feeling without the danger of saying or doing any thing we will later regret. It is equivalent of punching a pillow. Keeping a journal could help.

If at all you are feeling furious, you can try these things,

- Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won’t relax you.

- Picture your breath coming up from your gut. Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “relax”, “take it easy”. Repeat while breathing deeply.

- Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from memory or imagination.

- Gentle and slow exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

- You could also try the stress buster machines at your nearest gym or spa.