Fundamental Provocation » Thoughts

Things to learn from Mahendra Singh Dhoni

Ajay Matharu — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 15:24:27 +0000

LET CRITICISM INSPIRE YOU

During the presentation ceremony of the 20-20 World Cup, Dhoni looked at Ravi Shashtri and, with a genuine smile, said, I remember you called us underdogs and so we have won the cup for you. Here is a man who does not collapse under the weight of a comment from an important cricketer but works forward with gusto, logic and a renewed determination. When important people undermine or underestimate you, get in touch with your feelings of fear, dread, anger or sadness and convert these into greater resolve.

MOVE ON

When India loses, Dhoni often publicly accepts the teams shortfalls but does not dwell on them for long. During one loss, he said, This match is over, lets plan for the next. Unlike captains of yesteryears, who would brood, ruminate and introspect too much, our reigning captain has mastered the art of leaving things behind. Fear and disappointment are not allowed to percolate his mind. Just focus on newer frontiers with a fresh pair of eyes and a refreshed mood. Do not be the victim of excessive critical appraisal from yourself or others. It may paralyse you.

US, NOT I

On the day of victory, the World Cup was in every players hands, except Dhonis. A couple of years ago, Dhoni asked Anil Kumble to take the cup after a victory in a test series. His genuine affection for his team is visible and the bonding is strong. He has praise for all but neither did he mince words when Gambhir failed to make his 100 due to a bad shot. He is genuine, even blunt. He has publicly made statements such as, Our middle order should perform or Sreeshanth should behave.

STAY COOL

Dhoni is cool during tense moments. No sledging, or rash words. It would be interesting to learn more about his self-talk. It probably involves thoughts such as Calm down, Focus now or Let me try something new. The feeling of dread and fear is allowed to pass. He probably observes these emotions come and go on his mind screen. This thought process is visible on his face that remains childlike many a time during a crisis. So, when the chips are down, just observe your feelings as they come. If you find yourself fretting or yelling, you have been hijacked emotionally and will lose friends and battles. If not, creative responses will emerge.

KEEP AT IT

MSD teased Ravi Shashtri by saying, If we had lost, many questions why Sreeshanth, why did I bat before Yuvraj would have been asked. His getting into the middle of a battle shows he loves challenges and does not bother with incessant advice from exgreats. Like Anil Kumble, who shared at his retirement that he ignored all criticism during his lean period and persisted, our captain also practices dogged perseveration with risk-taking. The Dhoni mantra is clear persevere while down, take risks and obey your instincts.

GRATITUDE

Lastly but importantly, Dhoni feels and expresses his gratitude openly. After the win, he said, I chose to come before and Gary backed me. Thanking Gary and Paddy, and others significant to his performance as well as that of the team, comes naturally to him. Gratitude is a part of his personality.

Coping up with inferiority complex

Ajay Matharu — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 20:15:08 +0000

Having an Inferiority Complex can have disastrous effects.

A lot of people tend to suffer from inferiority in varying degrees and very few are brave enough to accept this fact.Lets analyze: Do you often compare yourself to others and feel inferior compared to them? Do you intentionally avoid any form of competition because you’re afraid you will lose to others? Are you always afraid to voice your opinions, fearing that others will laugh and ridicule you for it? And in the process avoid socializing or restrict yourself only to a couple of friends. Do you wonder if others have anything good to say about yourself? If yes, then there are high chances that you suffer from Inferiority Complex.

DEFINITION

Inferiority complex is mainly a psychological condition that finds its roots in childhood and manifests itself into adulthood, if not recognized at an earlier stage. Those who suffer from such a complex constantly belittle themselves and are very sensitive. Feelings of inferiority arise when one feels that he/she is less worthy than a certain group of people or that he/she doesn’t have enough skills in comparison with his/her peers. For e.g. When you see an attractive or a talented person, you feel bad. Deep inside, you wish you can be like them. You’re constantly dissatisfied and blame yourself saying I’m not good enough.

Inferiority complex is, The common cold of Psychology. Inferiority Complex is putting oneself down (degrading yourself) for something that you do not possess.This possession could be in terms of abilities and talents and/or materialistic commodities.

CAUSES

There are several reasons for harboring an inferiority complex, the most common one being, parental attitudes. When parents are very harsh towards their child in terms of criticism and constantly comparing with others, the child begins to feel that he/he is not good enough. There are cases of individuals who have been under-achievers academically and socially brings down their morale and self-worth. Then there are some who are taken for granted by their partners in their relationships, by abusing them and putting them down all the time. Sometimes bad experiences like getting humiliated by ones peers in school or even at work due to mistakes, can make one prone to inferiority complex.
Reasons like social conditioning where winners are looked upon more favorably than those who don’t win, rich people are believed to be superior than the poor, etc. add to the belief that one is superior or inferior as a person according to what he/she achieves and does. So a combination of social factors play a part in the development of the inferiority complex.

EFFECTS

Having an inferiority complex can have adverse effects on ones personality, relationships and on the professional front too. As for effects on ones personality, there’s a severe lack of self-confidence which could give rise to stuttering, stammering and social isolation. Sometimes it can also give rise to substance abuse in the form of alcoholism, smoking, etc., as a negative form of coping, which is more common among men. Women on the other hand, tend to indulge in jealousy, bitterness and pettiness as a form of coping, which is undesirable too. As for relationships, individuals suffering from inferiority complex tend to cower and are always at the mercy of others. They devalue themselves, and believe that they cant do better and wont get better. So they live in physically, emotionally and sexually abusive relationships because they believe that they are worthless that they dont deserve better. They are always submissive and non-confrontational because they think so little of themselves. Thus, they always play second fiddle in their relationships and compromise beyond the limits of their integrity.

On the professional front, such individuals never accept challenging roles. They always hide from demanding work. Because they never wish to fail and are petrified of being accountable, they make safe choices. So they run away from taking responsibility, avoid positions of power and/or promotions.

COPING
It is imperative that one immediately work on their self-esteem to combat feelings of inferiority complex. It is always better to seek professional help to handle such a delicate issue. The first step is to identify the core issues underlying this behavior. Positive thinking and self-talk is crucial.

Following are some tips:
- Learn to focus on your strengths and potentials.
- Make it a point to reward yourself for your achievements.
- Remind yourself that you are worthy of praise and praise yourself.
- Stop placing unrealistic high expectations on yourself.
- Take in enjoyable activities and surround yourself with positive people who like and encourage you to do better.
- Nurture your body with a healthy diet and exercise.
- Be forgiving of yourself when things dont go as planned.

Hope this helps

Communication determines how far you will go in your career and relationships

Ajay Matharu — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 11:48:32 +0000

How you get your point across determines how far you will go in your career and relationships. Here are some tips to improve your communication skills.

BE RECEPTIVE

One of the most common reasons for an exasperated conversation is the perceptual threat.More commonly explained as hearing what you want to hear.While most of us tend to tune out things we dont want to hear,we interpret things in a manner convenient and palatable to us.Often,constructive and well meaning criticism is lost in the process.The key is to keep your mind open towards the information and as far as possible,process it with the same intention as it is intended.

BETWEEN THE LINES

Trying to understand subtexts in a conversation is key to its effectiveness.Its not enough to process words.More is communicated through body language,speed and tonality of the voice,etc.Some of the most important parts of any conversation are not openly articulated.Sieving non-verbal signals and subtexts then becomes important.Arguing partners react to each others spoken word without correlating it to other signals that are communicated.Watch out for hand gestures,facial expressions,volume etc.and be observant of all the signals your partner is sending your way before reacting.

IT RUNS DEEP

Everything that is said carries a substantial emotional weight.Before engaging someone in a conversation,look out for their reaction to see if they want to be communicating with you at the moment. Many times,because we have something to say,we assume the other person would be willing to listen.Yeah,yeah or Okay or monosyllabic answers are usually a good indicators of distraction and disinterest.One needs to be watchful of the emotional quotient of what is being said.If someone says,I am feeling fine in a low pitched voice,or Nothing is wrong in a stern,flat,low-toned voice,it usually indicates a contradicting message.

RESPECT IS KEY

Everyone has a point of view,and it may not always be aligned to yours.But for an effective communication,it is essential to respect the person you are interacting with.If you dont,it shows through immediately,no matter how subtle your attempts are.Acknowledge the persons background,expertise and capabilities.Even if its a colleague you dislike,respect them for where they are.

THE LOOK

Looking at the speaker in the eye is a reassuring way of letting the person know you are there and listening.You dont have to stare like you are dazed,but just maintain a long enough gaze and a reaffirming nod to let them know that you arent zoning out.

TALK RIGHT

Another common mistake we often make is not being able to say exactly what we mean and then suffering the consequences.What sounds right in our mind may not be put across with the right set of words.So it is important to think about what you are going to say and how it might sound to someone else.Very often sarcasm or a harmless joke ends up being misinterpreted since the person listening isnt in the same mental space as you.Be aware of your audiences mood.

ANSWER THE QUESTION

To get the right answers,ask the right questions.Being a better communicator requires you to know the right questions to ask to be able to forward the conversation in the right direction.Its also essential to delicately frame probing questions since people are usually defensive about revealing certain information.Take care especially while dealing with someone with whom you share a formal relationship like a colleague or extended family etc.

The Time Killers – why 24 hrs are not enough?

Ajay Matharu — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 13:25:59 +0000

I have been trapped in this Time Killer stuff lately. thinking about doing something but not being able to do sucks. But do we really find out the reason on why were we not able to do what we are suppose to? or what we want to?

Here are some of my observations, and more likely my experiences

The Social Network – Being in the social world is amazing. News from one part of the world reaches another in no time. At the same time people are getting addicted to these sites. Competing with others on friends count, their post count or applications available on these sites these are time killers.

Already Always Listening – This is what you think you are. This is someone speaking to you continuously. Saying things like, “this is good”, “this is bad”, “look at the other person”, “ahh!! common its just 7 AM go to sleep again” and more such thing that pulls you back. But is this really who you are?

Habits – As mentioned in above point, someone in you tell you I enjoy doing this. And this is when you start doing “This” so often. Doing something so often moves things from your conscious mind to your sub-conscious mind and that’s when things become habit. And these habits are really time consuming gaining you no result at all.

Life is lifying – Most of the times we are so lazy that we let things go as they are. We stay in our comfort zone. Staying in your comfort zone will not fetch you new results. How can you expect doing same things and getting different results?

Stress – After doing all the above things we think, “What was I suppose to do by this time?”, and since we haven’t done anything much on what we were suppose to do gives us more stress. This goes on and on this is nothing but a sign that you are caught in the rat race.

All this factors contribute to your time wasters and cause you more stress. You should set an action signal that will get you back to what you were doing. Action signal can be anything like, Punching you hand in air, or saying
“back to work”, “Common”, or anything like that. So next time you are doing something you are not suppose to do just do your action signal.

Awareness is the first step. You can’t change what you don’t notice.

Take the best from each human being

Ajay Matharu — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 10:25:15 +0000

IS there anyone in the world you like totally As in,approve everything about that person,all the time Even if you are wildly,obsessively in all consuming love Even if you have your rose-tinted glasses pushed right back up your nose Can you honestly say there is nothing at all about your loved one you would rather change

Surely not.It cannot be possible to like everything about even the one person you love most in the world be it a parent,a child,or the man or woman in your life! There will always be at least one trait you dislike,one negative you would rather wish away. And therein starts our quest to change those we love most.If only that teeny weeny thing about them could be changed a habit given up,a personality trait dropped or another acquired ! Parents go beyond the formative years of kids and waste precious time and energy trying to change their adult offspring! People even attempt to influence a change in traits of old parents! And yet one negative trait cannot possibly make you give up totally on a loved one.A recent article in Los Angeles Times talks critically of a therapist who advised a woman to totally sever all ties with her father since he was evil.When the author,a social psychologist Carol Tavris,asked the woman if she thought her father was 100 per cent bad,she replied,No,I think hes a normal guy who made some mistakes. For one negative,you cannot possibly give up an entire relationship.Couples spend entire lifetimes trying to change each other to tally with their idea of perfection.

How much better life would be if we just accepted each other as we are! And just learn to turn a blind eye to the little things we dont like,even as we make the most of the vast things we love about each other.

Why is it compulsory to like everything about a friend You can pick on what you like and focus on that,turning a blind eye to what you do not approve of.Must you go around trying to change the world You can value a friend for her loyalty and generosity and forgive her for her streak of cattiness.You can love the side of her that you cherish and simply accept,even ignore,the one you disapprove of.What a sense of peace that brings to a relationship!

Now,if nobody can be perfect,no one can be all bad either.Even in the worst of humans,we can find some goodness we can relate to and appreciate.How can anyone be all good or all bad How can you be all right or all wrong You wouldnt be human if you were! Gods and Goddesses too have their weak spots and moments.

In her latest book The Power,Rhonda Byrne urges,Notice the things you love in other people,and turn away from the things you dont so you dont give them any feeling. She goes on to say,If you cant love the good in someone or something simply turn away turn away by looking for the things you love in life!

Much like you would do at a buffet,take the best from each human being and from every relationship and enjoy it to the fullest.And just as you would walk past the dishes you dont care about,do not focus on what you dont like and so get hassled or make futile attempts to change it!

Keep it simple, silly

Ajay Matharu — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 17:36:59 +0000

“The difference in winning and losing is most often… not quitting.”
– Walt Disney

Be relentless in your pursuit for Gratitude! Don’t quit if you are working towards your goals. Remember to have fun regardless of what is happening.

The simple things often work the best! Use the K.I.S.S. method – Keep It Simple, Silly!

Focus on Good and Good will Follow

Ajay Matharu — Mon, 24 May 2010 13:47:47 +0000

“Focusing on what we already have and are grateful for right now is one of the most powerful things we can do to alter our life in a positive way.”
- Mike Robbins

So powerful, yet so simple! If you focus on something good, you align yourself with it. if you focus on something not so good, you align yourself with it.

Just a matter of choice!

Be positive with power of positive thinking

Ajay Matharu — Mon, 10 May 2010 16:14:55 +0000

Power of positive thinking

Admit it we live in a hostile world where all of us have a constant need to be accepted,loved and admired.Our fears,dislikes and outbursts are mostly mere manifestations of our negative thoughts.When you give out negative thoughts,youre most likely to attract more negativity in your life.

People often underestimate the power of positive thinking.We think how can I affect the outcome of my actions by just thinking in a particular way But have you ever thought about the fact that there isnt a single moment when you arent thinking and that every thing that happens,begins with a thought.

One positive thought can change your attitude towards a task,which in turn changes the outcome.Experts say that if you want to live longer,be happy,healthy and successful,thinking positive plays a big role.Easier said than done,heres how you can start…

Recognise negative thoughts as they arise and bury them before they take root.Dont let your emotions take the better of you.Imagine how youd look back at the situation the next day.

Hang out with people who think positive.When you surround yourself with people who are a delight to be around,you will start behaving like them,too.While negative thoughts attract negativity,positive people are very likely to attract positive thoughts.

Eat right and exercise regularly.When you look good on the outside,its easier to feel good on the inside.
Live in the present.Most of our negativity stems from past regrets or future fears I wish Id acted differently or I wish this doesnt go wrong. However,the present is the only time we have and living in it will make you happier.
De-clutter your home.And your life.Surround yourself with things that you love and things that make you feel good.Photographs of loved ones,plants,flowers,art,puzzles or anything that has value for you will make you think happy thoughts.

Be happy with what you are and what you have.Dont try to be some one you arent.If youre not satisfied with the person you are,identify what you dont like and change that aspect of yourself.Concentrate on what you have and not what you lack.

Have a goal in mind that you would like to pursue.Keep yourself busy in planning it out.It can be anything from wanting to go skydiving to winning a competition or pursuing a hobby.While not everybody may believe completely in the power of positive thinking,follow these simple tips and notice the impact it has on your life!

Keep sharing, did you shared anything today?

Ajay Matharu — Thu, 06 May 2010 17:35:49 +0000

ARE you one of those whose heart is full of compassion but the pockets dont quite match up Dont worry.In a country where millions struggle for basic necessities,money isnt the only way to reach out.Keep aside your cheque book and explore more meaningful ways to make a difference in this world.Yes,this story is not about the huge sums of money that mighty corporates or the rich donate.We are also not talking about how we gift clothes that weve outgrown or offerings made out of religious compulsions on auspicious days.

Give because you wish to give,not because you think you have to. Give something that you enjoy yourself.

Do you take things for granted?

Ajay Matharu — Tue, 04 May 2010 16:17:10 +0000

“And the things you take for granted Turn out to be the things that you need.”
– Kevin Devine

You are reading this at some point of the day. For some it is early in the morning for you. For others, you are in the middle of the day. Regardless of how much of your day you have been through, what have you already taken for granted? What have you not thought about at all, yet was very important in your day? Could it be you car that brought you to work? Or perhaps the bus driver who drove you? Did you think twice about the coffee maker this morning? Or maybe the copy machine for duplicating your papers.

Trivial things? Perhaps they are. Without them, you would not be where you are right now. Shouldn’t you be grateful for them?
Try going the rest of the day and think about what it is ‘right now’ that you almost took for granted…

What a fun game!

Be Well.